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It Takes a Village.... my ass

Exerts from a letter written to a friend....

I too have written a million letters to Rev. *&$%@ in my head. I've described the joy of finding a "community" to worship with and the hope that this bubble that I'm mothering in would be burst. That Spencer could reach out to others, giving them the same joy that he gives me everyday while I have a moment to breathe deeply and sing.

I understand that not everyone in this congregation has chosen to share their lives with children but by making a pledge to be a supportive member of NUU church they are not only making that pledge to all the adults of the congregation but to the children too. I think such effort is made to meet the needs everyone but they don't see that Spencer's needs are to explore and raise his voice when he feels joy in his heart. To talk about fire because fire inspires awe and curiosity in him. He needs to bang on a chair while he sings because his voice just isn't loud enough to express himself but he wants to be a part of all this beauty. These are all the ways that my son worships and it fills me with joy and pride that he would feel comfortable enough with these people that he would share himself with them.

I heard services that spoke to tolerance but felt none when my child fussed. The wiggle room is a great idea but unfortunately it segregates and doesn't allow my familly to be a part of the service and fellowship. I was also "kindly" shown the way to the wiggle room on many occasions.

As you know the last straw for me was the service inappropriately named "It takes a village". I was so hopeful that all of these issues would finally be resolved and Vanessa would have the opportunity to explain what a village is and why it takes more than a mother to raise a child. During this service we were once again banished to the wiggle room where strangely the sound system was broken. Every time Vanessa would try to express all the feeling I had in my heart about community Rev. *&$%@ would interrupt or temper her ideas with "as long as it doesn't interrupt anyone else". I was heartbroken. He even brought up examples of how One's (Spencer's) behaviour could be disruptive. No one could deny that Spencer was the only who weekly approached the chalice. At one point during the service Spencer decided that he wanted to stand next to Vanessa as she spoke. Vanessa smiled and absently patted him on the head continuing to speak while Rev. *&$%@ visibly annoyed picked him up and brought him back to me. At the end of the service all the children were brought back in and sang Namaste. Spencer fussed and I was angrily shushed. I quickly gathered my things and left crying.

Rethinking these things I realize that I'm still so hurt, angry and disappointed. How dare they not look at my son and be reminded of all the beautiful things in this world that we are there to rejoice in.

I found this awesome site. I think it's about to change my world.

We're Sick.

And here we sat for the better part of the day. It was sad and all but really nice to have the cuddle.

Interesting things that we are learning:

Rain: It rained a lot at the beginning of the week and Spencer really took an interest in it because it meant that it was "yucky" outside. We talked about the dark clouds and what got wet when it rains. We talked about what the birds and animals do when it rains and he splashed in a dirty puddle (against my better judgement). We played in our ghetto pool (a large soup pot) and he'd dunk his shirt in the water and lift it out and say "rain" as the water fell.

New Words:
Get it and got it - He knows when to use each. How crazy is that?!
Ta da - I guess I've never noticed that I say this when I accomplish something. He'll climb upstairs and say "ta da".
Please - Sounds like "peeees". He gets so frustrated sometimes and can't communicate what he wants me to do so he'll freak out and scream and when he's done I'll tell him "you want some water (or whatever). If you'd like me to get you some water you can say "Mama, could you please get me some water?". Then he'll say "pleeeeeese". So cute.
Big and heavy: Spencer will make a huge production out of lifting something and croak "heavy". Funny he'll also do this while we're nursing. He'll lift a breast and say "bi, heavy" while straining under the weight. Little joker.
Here you go: Another one that I didn't realize that I say.
Lie down: I guess I was taking too long to get ready to nurse him down at night. It was one of those double take moments.

The Lactation Station Breast Milk Bar

So tonight I went here.



It was a very interesting event. Getting out of the house by myself on such a beautiful night was also a great feeling. Jess had a bar set up and would stage tastings with a group of people. An ounce of milk from two different donors was examined and compared. The milk didn't taste near as good as mine. Once was earthy flavoured with a hint of almond and the other was sweeter but with an odd aftertaste. Seriously. When I sat down at the bar Jess pointed out that we'd met before at Riverdale Farmer's Market. We discussed our babywearing poncho. I wish I had a better memory. It doesn't even ring a bell.

The show was really well done. It was respectful. I was afraid that it would be about the taboo and shock value of drinking breastmilk as art and less about giving it the social esteem it deserves. There was a slideshow with the donors discussing among other things their views on their breastfeeding relationships with their children.

Health Canada issued a release (here) on their opposition to the consumption of human breast milk in response to the show. HA! Governments are weird. A different branch of the same government who issued her a grant to do this project. Jess distributed a handout detailing her methodology. So smart.

What a feeling to look around and recognize members of my community. Heck. It feels really good to have a community.

Trusting Natural Development

Free at last! Free at last! Spencer has been soother free for a week now. Slowly he started picking it up less and less until I would make it available to him by setting it beside him on the bed at bedtime and it sat there for days until it fell down beside the bed. That was the end of it.

For the first 5 months of Spencer's life he cried and cried. He cried so much that when a friend's mom put a soother in his mouth and the crying stopped I was so relieved that I didn't stop to think about what that pacifier was telling him on on a deeper level. Hmmm... actually. I'm not sure that I really believe that the soother did lasting serious damage. I once did. When Spencer was 8 months I went to a series of Aware Parenting classes and was introduced to the idea of an infant's need to cry to heal emotionally. I came to see that eating to repress emotional pain and putting a soother in an infant's mouth were in the same vein. The realization was really hard for me. Soon after I tried to end our addiction by banishing it. It was so so horrible. It was like what I imagine detox would be like for a drug addict. I caved. Peace was restored.

I learned a lot about emotional healing from Aware Parenting. When Spencer is very upset I try to be in the moment with him and verbalize his emotions for him. I want him to know that I can handle any feeling he has to throw at me. I used to pace and jiggle and distract but now I let him have his emotions and simply be there with him and touch him and look at him.

Spencer's soother release has given me such hope and confidence that we are on the right parenting path. I'm trying hard not to rush him and allow him to develop at his own pace. I trust him. I trust his body and his mind. He is growing and learning exactly as he needs to and I'm just here to watch and support.

I love you sweet sweet child.